Pride Month Is Over: Time to re-paint the rainbow crosswalks, get back in the closet, throw that #Pride merch into a landfill, and finally force those gay penguins into divorce. Anyway, we’re tired of rainbows. It’s America month, where at least you know you’re free unless you’re most people. Come claw or beak, we will hug a bald eagle in a metaphysical way. And on Saturday, the sun will rise over a great nation. One that listened to “Born In The U.S.A.” approximately one-hundred billion times and didn’t understand a word. If everything is just right, we’ll end the week with fewer uncle fingers than we started with. (Edit: Okay, the original gay penguins broke up in 2005, and they’re bisexual. People also say they’re dead, but that’s unclear. I’ve reached out to Central Park Zoo for confirmation. Here’s another dead gay penguin from Australia whose partner Magic “seemed relatively normal since his loss.” Diego and Zorro are about to celebrate 10 years and they loved our fisting piece.)
Jag skrattar till lite varje gång den dyker upp i flödet.
— Niclas (@ebmgubben.bsky.social) May 5, 2025 at 11:59 AM
The Mariners Beat the Kansas City Royals at T-Mobile Park: And Randy Arozarena hit his 100th home run. Arozarena, if you’re reading, I know only one way to congratulate you (I lack baseball knowledge). Enjoy:
On the Up and Up? The fuel tax rose 6 cents ($0.494 per gallon to $0.554) today. To keep pace with inflation, it’ll go up an additional 2% per year, generating about $1.4 billion in revenue over the next six years. Cool! But also federal cuts. And that $16 billion budget shortfall. When you wake up in the middle of the night for a glass of water, expect Gov. Ferguson hunched over your kitchen table in a hushed conversation with Mom. Avoid the squeaky floorboard when you tiptoe back to bed!
Time Is Running Out for Tuan Phan: Born in Vietnam, Tuan Phan served 25 years for murder in Washington. When he finished serving his sentence in March, the Washington Department of Corrections handed him over to ICE, and sent to Djibouti, where he’s been held in a shipping container for months. And now he’ll be deported to South Sudan unless Governor Ferguson pardons him. His lawyer Angélica Cházaro told KUOW Ferguson better do it while Tuan Phan is still at the US military base in Djibouti because his return is not guaranteed if he’s sent to South Sudan.
A Hairless Eastern Washington Pest Is in the North Cascades: Not your ex from Spokane on a hike. The western spruce budworm. We don’t love this worm (even if it were a worm). It loves to eat the new growth on fire trees. You’ll see its wrath in the trail of orange trees along Highway 20. By August, they may turn brown and dead-looking. It’s a young, modestly-sized (63,000 acres) outbreak, and not unheard of, but an entomologist told The Seattle Times it’s odd to see them outside the Cascade Crest.
More About Fireworks: SeaTac cancelled their show. City officials say they didn’t have enough cops. (Last year, they had ten cops for the 10,000 people in a park made for 3,200 max.) Or maybe that’s a cover and they’re still embarrassed about the 55 drones that fell into Angle Lake during the performance. “The drone mishap is not the reason for the cancellation,” said SeaTac’s comms person, not defensively at all.
Weather? Sorry rain-enjoyers, but it’s nice and hot and sunny today. Perfect weather … perfect weather … until a scream echoes across the lake. Your uncle is clutching his wrist, what’s left of his hand. Crazily, you think about the dream guitar he bought last month, hanging on the wall in his den. Just like the Stratocaster he had in high school. The one he sold for a wedding ring, but she turned him down. He’ll never play “Smoke On The Water” again.
So … Back To Fireworks: There’s absolutely nothing funny about blowing off your hand with an illegal bomb you bought on the side of the road from a man named Moustache Pete. How could something like that happen? “Having fingers” is not a radical ideology (yet) so, as usual, the US Consumer Product Safety Commission posted its excellent anti-commercial for fireworks. Watch these mannequins blow up instead of your intoxicated or foolish loved ones! I know it’s a few days early and the national mood is low but … blowing shit up is bipartisan.
Don’t do any of this.
— U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (@cpsc.gov) June 27, 2025 at 11:28 AM
The Law: Personal fireworks are illegal in Seattle and King County … much of Snohomish County most of the time … and unincorporated Kittitas County … and in Olympia, Tumwater, and Lacey … but I just know you some of you sick lawbreaking fucks will blow them up anyway. So I’ll play the mother who prefers you drink in the house: Have a fucking bucket handy so we have an environment. Or, test your empathy. When you feel an irrepressible urge for powpow to go boom-boom, imagine a dog’s sad, scared eyes.
Also, picture your dumbest friend. Now please share this fire danger map with said dumbest friend. Then show them the aforementioned mannequin movie. Make sure to tell them the people are not real.
He Did It: Brian Kohberger, the most obvious murderer since O…uh, Oswald—Lee Harvery Oswald—pleaded guilty to murdering four University of Idaho students. He took the deal to avoid the death penalty. Capital punishment disgusts me, and I don’t find breathless coverage of a real murder of real people entertaining, but watching the evidence pile up in this case has been something else. His defense sucked.
Democrats Lay Groundwork for “Project 2029”: Naming the Save Democracy Plan after the Destroy Democracy Plan is ridiculous. And since Dems at a liberal policy journal put it together, it’s not actually a plan yet. It’s a publicly announced plan to have a plan. Know that friend who is always getting his shit together and never does? At least he’s listening to the shitty voice inside his head and not … the shitty voice inside everyone else’s (read: polls). Hint: Dem strategists think they have a style problem, not substance problem. Double dog dare y’all to have a single idea, or God forbid, propose a popular economic policy instead of hand wringing over who first to throw under the big blue bus.
Since We’re on the Subject: Democrats can’t tell what is and what is not an extreme anymore. A problem with an autocrat in the White House and perhaps more on the way, or just more “four more years” until the autocrats is fresh out of “four more years.” Institutional Dems are freaking out about Mamdani. They should be freaking about ICE breaking the law, basic morality, and expectations that law enforcement identify themselves with a fucking uniform. Charles wrote about it here. Dems should also be freaking out about…
The Republican Denaturalization Plan: The Justice Department wants to strip Americans of their citizenship and is prioritizing cases involving certain crimes—including fraud, threats to national security, and in one case, distributing child porn. Child porn is obviously a serious offense. So serious that the Trump administration can plausibly deny what it’s doing. Don’t be fooled. According to a memo, Trump’s DOJ is pursuing denaturalization via civil litigation. One attorney told NPR that’s especially concerning. The people in those cases have no right to an attorney. No right! Another attorney told NPR—whose funding is being targeted by the federal government for accurately reporting the news—that the DOJ is expanding which crimes threaten a person’s citizenship. What’s next? And what if the accused is innocent? Hell, what if they’re guilty? Does this sound like justice?
Musk Threatens New Political Party if Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill Passes: It’s called the Apartheid Party Rocket Blow Up Party Blow Up My Car Party Grimes Take Me Back Party America Party. Uh oh! A third party? Republicans are probably scared. Third parties always move the needle.
BREAKING: After a session that lasted more than 24 hours, the Senate just passed Trump’s very ugly Big Beautiful (budget) Bill. VP JD Vance broke a 50/50 tie. Now it’s headed back to the House.
Trump To Visit New, Remote Detention Center in the Everglades: Will he feed the alligators little meat cubes on a stick (Floridians know), or is he just visiting to savor impending human misery?
Deerhoof will remove its music from Spotify over CEO Daniel Ek’s $700 million investment in an AI company making military tech. We need a new law to strap tech moguls to a chair and make them watch Terminator and Terminator 2 until they get it. Here’s Deerhoof’s bandcamp. Start with The Magic.
More Terrible, But Trivial News: They’re making a Project Hail Mary movie, an airport bookstore buy so bad I’d have raw-dogged the flight if I hadn’t had a Kobo handy. Normally, I give a book at least 45 pages. But I stopped on page 4, right around the fourth paragraph of the narrator sardonically pulling a space tube out of his ass. But I guess we get to see Ryan Gosling do it. And you thought Pride was over!
Gee, I Sure Am Fun Today: Sorry for the bummers. I’m usually all business and skip the song. No longer! Here’s R.E.M. on the Old Grey Whistle test playing “Pretty Persuasion,” an early banger off Reckoning, when you still couldn’t tell what the hell Michael Stipe was singing about. I prefer my R.E.M. incomprehensible, but am down with everything from Murmur to Monster (and, why not, a little New Adventures in Hi-Fi).
Bonus: My friend shared this great Dougie Poole song with me over the weekend. It’s called “Nothing on This Earth Can Make Me Smile.” It should be “Nothing on This Earth Can Make Me Smile, Except Dougie Pool Playing ‘Nothing on This Earth Can Make Me Smile.’”
